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So... some things have changed.

I got a new car. A 2003 Mercury Grand Marquis GS to be precise. Although this almost sounds like a cliche, the vehicle was only owned by a little old, rich, lady, who used it to putter about town pretty much. It is immacculate, inside and out, and looks brand-new. Only 30K miles as well, and she bought it brand-new from the factory, with a shitload of options, some of which are almost crazy (like heated side mirrors and a powered gas pedal adjuster to suit the driver's height).

I'm very proud of my new ride.

Also, two weeks after Leanne disappeared, she finally called me. The conversation... wasn't that great. I'm not knocking her reasons for vanishing for two whole weeks, but the only thing I had a problem with, and kept repeating to her, is that in two whole weeks, she could not call me once to tell me she was OK. We haven't spoken since.... and something she said hurt me really, really deeply. I don't know what to say about me and her... I really don't...

There are some other things still going on, still occurring, but I long ago got away from writing my thoughts down in a journal, and I think it is time to do so again, to abandon this. I really don't know. For the first time in my life, I am a busy, harried adult. I'll be on the road alot now, both in the company truck, and having to drive my car to a few locations (I get reimbursed for miliage (sp?) though). Life is going to get tougher now with car payments and increased insurance, but for the first time in I can't even remember how long, I feel like an accomplished person.

Actually, I feel like a human being.

Perhaps I'll update this again in the near future. I don't know. With everything going on right now...I honestly want to withdraw with my cats, my car, my house and my job, into my own little world where I just can't get hurt anymore. I'm so battle-weary, and I still have a good thirty years to go, barring serious injury or accident, before I lie down to rest forever.

I suppose that kind of thinking is Ostrich like... but right now...I just want some time to let myself catch up to the world, this new world, and all the stuff in it. The last few months have been weird enough, with me finally becoming financially self-sustaining, but the last few weeks have been quite a lot. And I am still in shock. The sales lady who sold me the car yesterday; for buying the car where I got it, they were giving away actual, free vacations (hotel rooms paid). I got two of them. They treated me so nice, and gave me such a good deal that I am considering e-mailing her and telling her I'll be mailing one of the vacation brochures to her, as a form of thanks for the four hours it took me to find what I wanted and for her getting me such a good deal on it. I really didn't have to haggle... they just did what I wanted. Was kind of amazing.

And relationship stuff... man... I just want to run screaming from anything like it. Things had become desireable again, but it's like everything got flipped upside-down and left me flat on my ass, nursing my bruises from the fall.

Anyways... I should go... take care, all.


So it's been like, more than a fucking week, and I feel since I pay for this son of a bitch journal, I can post whatever the fuck I want to here regarding the bullshit going on in my life. Let's cover these matters, shall we?


Where are you? What the hell happened to you? Do I have to show up at your front door and ask you why you never bothered to even text message me and tell me you were OK that you just didn't want to see me anymore? I didn't do anything, and I've thought and thought, and I -know- I didn't do anything wrong. Last time, I accepted full blame for everything that went wrong with us. I admitted I was wrong, that I paid you too little attention, that I let an ex come between us and lots of other things.

This time, I did things right.. I didn't want to lose you. I wanted you to stay around. I enjoyed sitting around just watching TV with you, and just being with you. I was happy. I was so happy in fact, that I didn't even realize you weren't coming back for a full four days after you left that Wednesday. I thought you were just busy like usual.. boy was I fucking stupid.

Part of me thinks that, since you said he'd been calling you just before you asked me to be your boyfriend, that you went back to your ex-fiancee once again. Part of me spent days worried sick something had happened to you, but not having many options to finding out if you were OK, because I'd been instructed previously not to call you at work, not to ring your parent's house, and so on. Aside from showing up at your mom's front door, which I calculated to be a terrible move, I didn't know what else to do. In desperation, I called your phone, your work and your home, all within a five minute period. It was then that I realized you were indeed avoiding me, and that there wasn't a damned thing I could do about it.

Other than sit around and feel like shit.... and you know what? You were -that- fucking close to getting the key.... and you would have been the first person to ever get such a thing, that wasn't related to me. Sometimes I wish I'd told you more about my life previous to meeting you... perhaps you might have understood me a bit better... maybe it wouldn't have made a difference...

Regardless, you'll never really know just what a fixture of my everyday life you became, and just how integrated you were into it, into me. I wish you would have stuck around to find out.


Judi is being a bitch. Why? Because I tried to talk to her about her sister, MY sister, who had fucking brain surgery last week.....I've been thinking about Linda ever since I talked to her last, concerned and worried. I can't talk to Judi about it, I get nothing but attitude....Judi and Linda are like extended family to me now, despite Judi and I being exes....why do I get attitude? Because like Judi, I am moving on with my life and seeing other people and having other relationships, but unlike Judi, I am berated and belittled about doing so. By who? By Judi!

She is withholding information from me, about Linda, and spiting at me, because I told her on the phone just after Leanne and I returned to dating status, and just before Leanne disappeared, that I was seeing her (Leanne) again. I honestly don't understand the fucking hate she puts out on this subject. I did once have a problem with Judi seeing anyone after we first broke up, but those times are long gone, and I told her while I was visiting her on vacation that I was not in love with her anymore, and did not want to get back together.

The Car

I still have no fucking car... and John is taking forty forevers to get it ready. I need to get a vehicle, especially now in my ticked off, pissed off, aggravated state of mind. I need to be able to do my own thing. I don't know what the hell is happening with this subject.

So here I sit, boycotted by my friend...put in the dark because I am seeing someone she does not "approve" of....pining, like a stupid fucking idiot, for a girl who has simply left me, deep inside wishing she'd come back.....stuck at home except when working....it's all more than I can really handle, I'll tell you that. And it's bullshit! UTTER BULLSHIT!

And I have kept silent for a fucking week.... remaining silent hoping I could talk these things out, but no one is speaking to me, and I have had e-fucking-nough and I am ready to just blow!
So I went out tonight and bought:

The Sims 2: Nightlife expansion

Family Guy - Stewie Griffin - The Untold Story

The Animatrix

For a guy of my size and such, I have quite odd habits. One of the weirdest, which really annoys and pisses off people that know me, is that I go shopping when I have a good deal of stress. Even if I don't buy anything, I like to go and look around a store and think about buying stuff. I suppose that might odd, but women know what I'm talking about.

The Family Guy movie was really good, though a smidgen lackluster at parts, but I guess that's what happens when you take a 30min show of this type, and expand it into an hour and a half long movie. It's going to drag a bit. Overall though, it's damned funny, and there are a couple moments where you won't laugh for several seconds or more, because your brain will have to remember what the hell the gag is referencing, it's so obscure and forgotten (which isn't to say it's not funny, as FG has a history of making you remember things from 30 years ago as parodies).

The Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny part, for example, was tear-inducing in terms of laughter.

Anyways... I figured the best cure for my newly formed depression was to go and spend some damned cash, so that's exactly what I did. I bought the new Sims expansion, because I'm a Sims nut and even though my computer will barely play this expansion, I'm looking forward to it just the same.

Nightlife is the dating/nightlife add-on, and you can finally have your own cars now. I figure since I'm alone and dumped again, my Sims might as well at least being having some fun. Well, off to play it...

Sep. 20th, 2005

Yet another 14 hour+ shift at the warehouse... and I was expected to stay even longer by the substitute D.M. who is there overseeing getting the depot ready for inspection tomorrow. I come in at 9pm at night, last night, and I just left at 11am this morning. She arrived, after a full night's sleep, at almost 5am this morning, and proceeded to decide to redo the entire flat concrete floor of the warehouse, in addition to other things.

This was after pulling my entire normal shift inside the warehouse, and then proceeding onto my regular overtime to go and do a route that the usual driver is too lazy to fuck with, in a different city. Plus she had us stop at Lowe's Home Improvement on the way back, and go shopping for her, for shit for her little projects.

This woman has fucking issues... the kind of issues that come with a bitch who is married, but has two last names. Stupidly, my friend J stayed, mopping the floor after scrubbing it with a circular stripper to remove the dirt.

And now i'm falling asleep as I write this... I got just 3 hours sleep yesterday....including a nap.

Today... I am someone's boyfriend. For the first time in my life, I was asked yesterday, to be a woman's boyfriend. After having been broken up for two years almost, my ex-girlfriend and I decided to give things another go ,with a slow start, last night. She is supposed to be here in a few hours, and I reallly need to crash.... so see you later.

Sep. 6th, 2005

Wow....it's been a bit since I've written anything.

I don't even know what to write....there's not a whole lot going on. Since the last time I added anything in here, I've been to Busch Gardens and my car finally died and I've been hitching a ride to work with a buddy of mine. That's the biggest news I have to include.

I am looking into a replacement ride, and wanting to get a truck.... but the gas problems we have in the US are currently putting the kabosh on that, as if I can't afford to drive the vehicle, there's no point in getting it. But I won't be doing so for another week or two, so i've still got some time to iron out the details of it all.

I've gotten a good bit stronger, thanks to my job, and I'm also staying up for 20-28 hours straight on a pretty regular basis, before nabbing about 8 hours sleep, or taking extra naps on one of my two days off. Today alone, I've had a whole 3 hours sleep, and it is now after 11pm. Oh, and I think i've lost about 25lbs!

Let's see... nothing else happening, really. Most of my friends have been having troubles of some kind. I won't really mention them here, as it's their business, and not mine.

I tried to get in touch with Amelia again.. that didn't go well at all. One of the worst phone calls I've ever had, and I barely said a word, other than identified myself, really. That seems to have been all that was necessary to set things off.

LeAnne hasn't been around at all... for weeks, really. I was calling her a few times a week, but as her phone calls got less and less, and her prescense the same, I slowly kind of eased off of it. I'm not heartbroken, she told me before that she didn't want anything and she was honest about it. That's not to say I was pushing her for a relationship, or that I myself was obssessed with having one, it's just that I thought we may possibly drift back together, since we were spending time together again.

That doesn't seem to be how things happened though....I think she's just realized that she doesn't really want to be with me, that she has alot of other options for one thing. While it may sound kind of down, or pessimistic, I have been given this reason more times than you think is realistically possible. It's like all women eventually come to a decision that I'm just really not interesting enough to start anything with, even if they come back a 2nd or 3rd time, even.

She of course, didn't say that... what she said was I was her best friend, and she didn't want to fuck that up.... especially since we didn't have a stellar relationship previously, and have gotten on better as mostly platonic friends in more recent times. Like I said, am I heartbroken by this? Few things break my heart anymore; it's been pretty well glued back together enough times that it's pretty solid these days. Am I disappointed...? Yeh. I am. Leanne and I always got on very well, and she was someone I could really relate to, and she listened to me and did not make fun of things that were really important to me.

But anyways... there's not much that can be done about it.... and I'm nearly 30 years old now, and the times when I gave up my entire life and possessions to try to prove to a woman that I cared for her are long past me. That may sound callous, but ask yourself, how many times can you go through that? How many times can you start over from scratch, having looked out for everyone else but yourself.....? And besides, I think when I stood out in a parking lot, crying and begging her not to leave me, that that counted for something, goddamnit.

I suppose I'm scared deep inside... though I wouldn't show anyone my fears. And I've begun to think that I'm going to spend the rest of my life like this... alone and only taking care of those who need me, until they don't need me anymore, and then forget me. That is the kicker to raising a child you know.... to invest such time and love into them....only to have them grow older and pursue their dreams.... and forget you even exist. But anyways... I'm rambling... there's alot of jumbled mess in me right now, and I think it's a little bit pain, a little bit anger, a little bit sadness and half loneliness. So I should just shut up.

Fucktard Gooooal!

Chalk up another score for my big, fat stupid mouth, saying things I have no business saying.

Saying things I have no right saying.

To the one I hurt today... I'm sorry... I wasn't thinking. Like I'm ever thinking, it seems.


God... I feel like utter shit.

I just woke up, head is pounding... very sleepy still. Before I went to sleep at 4pm, I had been awake almost 30 hours, and had just worked a 17 hour shift at my job.

Now I have a massive headache, a nice remnant from being forced to be awake so long... when I slept earlier, I collapsed. I think I was asleep roughly 4 seconds after my skul touched the pillows. It's now 9pm, and I have to go and shower and get ready to head out again.

After just 4 1/2 hours sleep, after getting out of work at 2pm, and going to sleep at 4pm, I am supposed to be back at work by 9:30pm tonight.

Can you believe that? And I just pulled a 17 hour shift. I still have tonight and Friday night to do before I get a day off. I am working this kind of schedule like every day. And it is pretty much being given to me not as an option, but as a condition.

I like the money... but I don't know if I can keep doing this. Sometimes, I literally have one hour of free time between getting out of work and going back to work. One Hour, and that's after trying to get some fucking sleep, which isn't always successful. I look terrible; my eyes are black and swollen and though i am able to get half a "night's" sleep somewhat every day, I'm not getting nowhere near enough to replace the amount of energy I have to expel.

I also have to drive at least 5 hours out of every day... always...sometimes I almost fall asleep at the wheel. I have to fight it, which means I've been having to drink sodas and such again, to give me a boost to stay the fuck awake.

I'm not sure if I can keep this up.... this kind of work schedule has been known to kill people.

Jul. 19th, 2005

I worked 16 hours straight Sunday/Monday... I arrived home at 1pm Monday afternoon. Managed to take a shower and immediately passed out.

Woke back up about six hours later, had to be to work an hour from then.

Went up front to get my mail. I had a letter from Redhead. It was short, just what I expected from her... letting me into her little world slowly, bit by bit. We've become pretty good friends now, though the talking is still limited, just like when I saw her at work every day. She's just a very private, very cautious person. I've yet to uncover who hurt her, and how she got hurt.... but it's painfully obvious....

Read her letter, it made me smile really big... she's a very wordy, talented woman. Finished that up, and pecked at some dinner.

Showered again, because I felt kind of sweaty, and made it to work about 9:35pm.

Got things done much faster tonight, but still had lots to do. Still did not leave the depot till 6am, but got done with the deliveries pretty fast. Met one of the Pepsi vendors in Wachula; she was a very athletically attractive blonde with a thin body and medium tan. She had extremely bright blue eyes. I wouldn't say she was incredible look-wise, but between her tomboy clothes (and matching ball cap), and her eyes and lean body, I found her to be very, very sexy.

I sadly didn't get her name... I figure I wlil see her again..and besides... we all had business to do. She was very polite to me though, and we talked about work related stuff.

Came home, pretty much plopped down here, too tired to do much else. Fed the cats.

It's now 12:30pm, and I have been home since 10:30am. I dropped off the cakes, etc, I got for mom, over at her place. I am now beginning to fall asleep in stages, this being the first where you typo all to hell and must retype everything. Then your head begins to droop, and your eyes blur. Hitting that stage as I write this.

I think I'm out for bed... paasssin out

Yes, Officer, I know you're a prick.

My days now consist of alot of driving, which is split up between 3 of us. The boss is doing one run, and he takes one of us with him. The other two do the other run, but who is doing what is pretty well randomized. Fortunately, I have a pretty decent boss for the most part.

With the hours increase, my home will go from slightly organized destruction to complete chaos. I am considering having my mother, who used to run her own cleaning company, and now does P/T housekeeping for a few clients, come over and give the place a once-over about every 2 weeks. Nothing really serious, just catching stuff I seriously don't have time to do; I figure she'll like the extra cash.

I was pulled over by a cop on the way to work last night, who wanted to harass me about the back end of my vehicle, which was caved in by an apparently drunk driver, while I sat at a red light one morning, who then proceeded to drive off after striking me. Hit and Run. He was never caught, but then the police told me as much that they didn't care if he was ever caught, because there was no fatalities. Don't you love cops? Read more...Collapse )

Truck Luv

It's Official! After driving the Tundra back from the auto auction, I fell in love with the damned thing, and am currently making plans to buy my first car! Oh, I've bought cars before, but paid cash and got titles right then and there. This would be the first time in my life I'd ever be making car payments; I am not happy about that part, but then I remember just what I'll be paying for

(BTW, this is the exact model/version of the truck I was driving, right down to the color)

and I'm not so annoyed by it anymore. For the first time ever, I will be able to go to the beach if I want to on a weekend, or take a trip, without tagging along with someone else who's got a decent ride. I can also make extra money by hauling for people, thanks to the truckbed and capacity (ok, it's a smaller bed than say, a F350, but it's enough for me).